Understand the three kinds of relationships you have in your life. People who leave you alone are dealing with your suffering as a nuisance or inconvenience; they prefer to keep their distance in order to feel better themselves. Those who help you have the strength and awareness to do more with your suffering than you are able to do by yourself. Those who hurt you want the situation to stay the same because they do not have your wellbeing at heart.
Having made a realistic count, take the following attitude:
1. I will no longer bring my problems to anyone who wants to leave me alone. It’s not good for them or me. They don’t want to help, so I will not ask them to.
2. I will share my problems with those who want to help me. I will not reject genuine offers of assistance out of pride, insecurity, or doubt. I will ask people to join me in my healing and make them a bigger part of my life.
3. I will put a distance between myself and those who want to hurt me. I do not have to confront them, guild-trip them, or make them the cause of my self-pity. But I cannot afford to absorb their toxic effect on me, and if that means keeping my distance, I will.
Deepak Chopra
6 comments:
1) I will hound the people who want to leave me alone. Then they will truly know inconvenience.
Martha Courtier
Don't think i'm enlightened yet. ;-)
It's all too easy not to face the fact that a relationship is toxic, especially if the toxic person is a manipulative control freak who destroys the others self confidence. It's important to listen to what true friends are saying, and especially what questions they ask about the relationship. Asking questions is more sensitive than wading in with advice, so listen to those questions and wonder, "What is there in the relationship that has triggered this question from someone who cares about me?"
Someone who asks the right questions is probably someone you can confide in.
If you or a friend suspect you are dealing with a control freak (and they are amazingly manipulative and make you feel you are in the wrong!!!) then I strongly recommend the book Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal with People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans.
I don't necessarily agree with Deepam, there are those that can listen to your problems and not offer advice because of the following: they believe everything is perfect and only you can work out your stuff, that they are not qualified to give advice or think that your struggle will ultimately make you stronger and wiser.
Hey Martha, i like it! lol! Ju XX
Hi Michael, thanks for your detailed comment. Yes sometimes when you are in the midst of a friendship or relationship it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees. I guess a friend who may help in the way you mention may be able to have more of an objective point of view on the situation and would probably only say something if they were really concerned for you in that relationship.
Its often easier to see others situations more clearly than our own isn't it. i guess at the end of the day it is being honest with ourselves about a sitation and then having the courage to take the actions that are necceassary or have the conversation that you need to readjust the balance or maybe even just walk away if one has already tried all of the above.
Thanks for the book reccomendation too. Take care, Juliette
Hi Anon, thanks for your comment. I can see what you're saying, although i would say that even if a person just listens, that is also helping you with your difficulties. As sometimes having someone who will give the space and time to listen is the help we need, especially if we feel unheard by others :)
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